I get into these really dark moods sometimes.
And well I sorta feel like shit so lets see if venting my feeling to 19 people plus the others that take the time to read this. (Thanks btw)
I’ve always had a hard time trusting people. I mean that’s a general term I guess…”trust”…we can trust people with a lot of things in our lives..money, our materialistic items, our friends, our hearts.
The concept of friends has always been a big issue for me. Ever since I left the comfort and familiarity of San Bernardino and was thrown into the lonely world of being a little freshman with no friends in rancho..this fear developed. I can’t really explain it…or maybe it really is just me growing up. I wasn’t a loner after a couple of weeks at rancho..I made friends with a band kid on the bus for school..he introduced me to his friends and then I made a band friend group…that branched off into the people that I know now. The sad part is that I have all these people who were supposed to be friends…but i never felt a connection to them. I cared for them, and treated them like a friend would. But i never opened up to anyone with any huge issues. The only person I think I actually felt safe with was nicole chacon. (but womp she left too lol) I had to harbor all the catastrophes that were happening at home in my heart. Until that heart became toxic and begged for a breath of fresh air…some release to let go of that emotional poison. I opened up..some..but not all the way to people. And it helped a little bit to relieve this pressure that ached to escape. But I then found out shortly after that usually the people you think you can trust let you down. Either by no fault of their own or they just were never good people to begin with. I built a wall that separated me from others. They can only get so far in…I can’t say that I liked it at all..but it “worked” or so I thought. I think that’s why I don’t let people in that I actually like in even now. I’m scared once I let them in they’ll just end up leaving. So i honestly do like having them there but just outside the wall. I dunno if that made sense…my roomate just walked in shined a flashlight on me and left, so Idk lol….
I am tired of this wall. But I don’t feel I can trust people. In my opinion most people are really lame..me included. We all talk shit, lie, share things we shouldn’t, break promises, judge, formulate our own opinions, and act differently when we are around other people.
I honestly hate being alone…but at the same time feel like it’s the only way to have peace. Your thoughts are always safest in your own mind. No one can judge you, spread your secrets, lie to you or anything else.
The bad part is when these thoughts become a disease. They accumulate like bacteria (idk if this is a good metaphor but idgaf), multiply, and infect your brain. They ravage your sanity and destroy your perception of things. depression, anxiety, stress and a whole list of psychological disorders. I know this isn’t true for everyone. But I do know that it’s not healthy to keep all this poison (essentially) in my head.
Toward the end of highschool I was in ASB/SA. This was supposed to be my family, the people I could trust. ASB taught me the cruelty of how people can be fake to your face and then destroy you behind your back. I can admit that I was not the best ASB member. But i was a sophomore, it was my first year as an ASB person and my co commissioner bailed on me…i had no idea what to do lol. SA was no different. I learned the same but instead of destroying people we all just talked shit behind each others backs and made us seem better than “them”. We formed cliques and groups that made fun of other groups…then sat in a class and pretend to be fine. Poor keane was the victim of this segregation. And he got most of the attacks..that along with his own problems..forced him to have like 2 intervention/break downs in class..crying. while we all pretended to care and feel sorry for him…really we all laughed at his pain. I’m ranting..sorry. Back to my point. Basically I never felt truly connected to people in either ASB or SA. The people I did care about or enjoyed I never let in, out of fear they’d let me down or leave.
The end of senior year my life was a mess. These thoughts manifested themselves into a crippling sickness. I had to deal with applying to college, figuring out what I wanted to do, and the struggle to get good grades. To add even more stress to my already devastated mind, matthew saenz allowed me to question my sexuality. That sentence can sound either postive or negative. Idk…I’ve always been curious tbh. We talked again and I told him a little about my life, the issue was brought up and we talked about it. These conversations turned into a romance (at least to me it was) and that romance evolved into a deep attachment (again for me only…i think you know where this is going). With that attachment I gave him my first kiss, my first sexual encounter (non penetrative..LOL), and for a brief period he had my heart. I was then awakened after a couple times of the same heart being broken..mine..that this romance was merely a delusion. i was used for my naive and innocent nature to give this monster the attention(physical and psychological) that he craved. Stupidly i fell for this ploy more than once. And to be honest I know that I was used, yet I cannot shake this (one sided) bond to this very moment. I know I should get over him, and I am in a way..but part of me misses him. When things were ok..but then that could be just a BF in general..(that’ll be a separate story) I had to deal with this feelings alone. feelings which I had no idea how to process. How do you go from being straight to possibly gay/bi by yourself? You don’t. You get depressed and fall into a deep dark cave that you’ve built yourself. I was sad for most of my senior year. I sucked at my job as a leader in my class. I started to preform horribly at work and I didn’t feel too happy about anything really..I was just a sad confused person. I had ryan to help me for a while and he did what he could. he was the first person I came out to. I think audi was next..im not sure haha. Over summer things got better. Then once college happened I recovered from this wound we call high school.
The scar will always still be there and it’s something that i’m dealing with even here. Who do I trust? How do I know I can trust them?
My hallmates are no different than SA/ASB… cliquey and all we do is talk shit about each other. I’m not perfect and I take part in this too.
But idk I dunno if it’s my nature or if I’m truly just meant to have no friends but I can only stand people for so long.
They will be fine, for a while, but the subtle things they do I’ll notice. One person will be fine when we are alone together, once we are with others they will act different. The others either are attention whores or have some other annoying aspect to them. It really bugs me when they snort on purpose when they laugh. because like snorting is not a natural occurrence Especially when one person does it, even one laughs, then later on you do it to evoke the same response.
IDK. It seems like they all want to fit in with certain people, so they behave in a certain way in order to please the ones they want to fit in with. I thought in college we were supposed to be above this type of behavior but clearly I don’t think we are. to be honest I’m not entirely sure if I take part in this either. SIGH
My non dorm friends are probably the people I’m closest too at this schoool. So far they don’t do anything bad. Is that wrong of me to say..”they haven’t pissed me off yet”..like I know people aren’t perfect..but hallmates is like normal everyday behavior…a reoccurring theme not a one time mistake or something. But even them I don’t like being around too often. Mainly because sam is embarrassing haha. But idk it’s like a good/bad thing. She keeps the convo going..thalia and i are comfortbale with silence between us..but it’s like same brings us to do things idk..I think our group is actually pretty good now that i think about it :)
so I’m lost to be honest. I’ve opened up a whole lot more to people now…i cried in thalias lap while i was cross faded lol..about fucking boys -_- but it was good. IDK i think it was necessary.
Maybe there are more thalias out there and less dorm mates.
I need to make friends lol