In illo tempo...

Photo

Sun, 12 May 2013 23:47:01 -0700

But you hate me :( and I hate you
Wed, 08 May 2013 12:20:53 -0700

But you hate me :( and I hate you

To the EMT/EMS/Pre-Medicine community.

Thu, 02 May 2013 17:53:38 -0700

This isn’t my main blog (the other is filled with guys lol).

I’d just like to thank all of you who’ve given me some kind of advice or helped me in some way.

It’s nice to know we have a sense of community.

To those of you who are new..like me..I encourage you to ask the more established blogs questions. They’ve opened me up to a lot of things that I wouldn’t have known about on my own and calmed some of my worries. :)

Thanks Everyone and goodluck!

you cant just do this to my heart you dick hole -__— lol

Fri, 26 Apr 2013 02:00:08 -0700

you cant just do this to my heart you dick hole -__— lol

All is not well

Wed, 24 Apr 2013 01:43:05 -0700

I’ve discussed this before. But I can’t seem to remember the last time this has happened again.

The cloud is back. I’m not really sure what triggers this waves of depression …maybe i do just think too much and take too many things to hear. Either way.

I’m sad. And I guess i have reasons to be but I can’t single out why I feel this way. It built up all day..I know that for sure..but the climax is now.

I know this is the climax because I texted my sister basically confessing that I thought I have some kind of mental disease…a second time. (Slight exaggeration..but ya)

Maybe I just need to sleep this off.

d/aklsnd;lD,QS’ADSJVPSa[slsdvmwrefqkdwCS,ADNVRW[HOEDSJ”k?lcnew;fhpadij;slvnafi/lkj>ZCXNvwngppppppp/

pineapple-ninja: You fit me better than my favorite sweater...

Wed, 17 Apr 2013 12:20:38 -0700

pineapple-ninja:

You fit me better than my favorite sweater ❤☺💋

I really just want attention guys..

Photo

Mon, 08 Apr 2013 16:50:53 -0700

Boyfriend

Fri, 05 Apr 2013 02:30:37 -0700

I thought the answer to the below problem would be a bf….but I have a rant ready for this…but it’s 230 and i’m tired. more later

I was meant to be alone.

Fri, 05 Apr 2013 02:29:24 -0700

I get into these really dark moods sometimes.

And well I sorta feel like shit so lets see if venting my feeling to 19 people plus the others that take the time to read this. (Thanks btw)

I’ve always had a hard time trusting people. I mean that’s a general term I guess…”trust”…we can trust people with a lot of things in our lives..money, our materialistic items, our friends, our hearts.

The concept of friends has always been a big issue for me. Ever since I left the comfort and familiarity of San Bernardino and was thrown into the lonely world of being a little freshman with no friends in rancho..this fear developed. I can’t really explain it…or maybe it really is just me growing up. I wasn’t a loner after a couple of weeks at rancho..I made friends with a band kid on the bus for school..he introduced me to his friends and then I made a band friend group…that branched off into the people that I know now. The sad part is that I have all these people who were supposed to be friends…but i never felt a connection to them. I cared for them, and treated them like a friend would. But i never opened up to anyone with any huge issues. The only person I think I actually felt safe with was nicole chacon. (but womp she left too lol) I had to harbor all the catastrophes that were happening at home in my heart. Until that heart became toxic and begged for a breath of fresh air…some release to let go of that emotional poison. I opened up..some..but not all the way to people. And it helped a little bit to relieve this pressure that ached to escape. But I then found out shortly after that usually the people you think you can trust let you down. Either by no fault of their own or they just were never good people to begin with. I built a wall that separated me from others. They can only get so far in…I can’t say that I liked it at all..but it “worked” or so I thought. I think that’s why I don’t let people in that I actually like in even now. I’m scared once I let them in they’ll just end up leaving. So i honestly do like having them there but just outside the wall. I dunno if that made sense…my roomate just walked in shined a flashlight on me and left, so Idk lol….

I am tired of this wall. But I don’t feel I can trust people. In my opinion most people are really lame..me included. We all talk shit, lie, share things we shouldn’t, break promises, judge, formulate our own opinions, and act differently when we are around other people.

I honestly hate being alone…but at the same time feel like it’s the only way to have peace. Your thoughts are always safest in your own mind. No one can judge you, spread your secrets, lie to you or anything else.

The bad part is when these thoughts become a disease. They accumulate like bacteria (idk if this is a good metaphor but idgaf), multiply, and infect your brain. They ravage your sanity and destroy your perception of things. depression, anxiety, stress and a whole list of psychological disorders. I know this isn’t true for everyone. But I do know that it’s not healthy to keep all this poison (essentially) in my head.

Toward the end of highschool I was in ASB/SA. This was supposed to be my family, the people I could trust. ASB taught me the cruelty of how people can be fake to your face and then destroy you behind your back. I can admit that I was not the best ASB member. But i was a sophomore, it was my first year as an ASB person and my co commissioner bailed on me…i had no idea what to do lol. SA was no different. I learned the same but instead of destroying people we all just talked shit behind each others backs and made us seem better than “them”. We formed cliques and groups that made fun of other groups…then sat in a class and pretend to be fine. Poor keane was the victim of this segregation. And he got most of the attacks..that along with his own problems..forced him to have like 2 intervention/break downs in class..crying. while we all pretended to care and feel sorry for him…really we all laughed at his pain. I’m ranting..sorry. Back to my point. Basically I never felt truly connected to people in either ASB or SA. The people I did care about or enjoyed I never let in, out of fear they’d let me down or leave.

The end of senior year my life was a mess. These thoughts manifested themselves into a crippling sickness. I had to deal with applying to college, figuring out what I wanted to do, and the struggle to get good grades. To add even more stress to my already devastated mind, matthew saenz allowed me to question my sexuality. That sentence can sound either postive or negative. Idk…I’ve always been curious tbh. We talked again and I told him a little about my life, the issue was brought up and we talked about it. These conversations turned into a romance (at least to me it was) and that romance evolved into a deep attachment (again for me only…i think you know where this is going). With that attachment I gave him my first kiss, my first sexual encounter (non penetrative..LOL), and for a brief period he had my heart. I was then awakened after a couple times of the same heart being broken..mine..that this romance was merely a delusion. i was used for my naive and innocent nature to give this monster the attention(physical and psychological) that he craved. Stupidly i fell for this ploy more than once. And to be honest I know that I was used, yet I cannot shake this (one sided) bond to this very moment. I know I should get over him, and I am in a way..but part of me misses him. When things were ok..but then that could be just a BF in general..(that’ll be a separate story) I had to deal with this feelings alone. feelings which I had no idea how to process. How do you go from being straight to possibly gay/bi by yourself? You don’t. You get depressed and fall into a deep dark cave that you’ve built yourself. I was sad for most of my senior year. I sucked at my job as a leader in my class. I started to preform horribly at work and I didn’t feel too happy about anything really..I was just a sad confused person. I had ryan to help me for a while and he did what he could. he was the first person I came out to. I think audi was next..im not sure haha. Over summer things got better. Then once college happened I recovered from this wound we call high school.

The scar will always still be there and it’s something that i’m dealing with even here. Who do I trust? How do I know I can trust them?

My hallmates are no different than SA/ASB… cliquey and all we do is talk shit about each other. I’m not perfect and I take part in this too.

But idk I dunno if it’s my nature or if I’m truly just meant to have no friends but I can only stand people for so long.

They will be fine, for a while, but the subtle things they do I’ll notice. One person will be fine when we are alone together, once we are with others they will act different. The others either are attention whores or have some other annoying aspect to them. It really bugs me when they snort on purpose when they laugh. because like snorting is not a natural occurrence Especially when one person does it, even one laughs, then later on you do it to evoke the same response.

IDK. It seems like they all want to fit in with certain people, so they behave in a certain way in order to please the ones they want to fit in with. I thought in college we were supposed to be above this type of behavior but clearly I don’t think we are. to be honest I’m not entirely sure if I take part in this either. SIGH

My non dorm friends are probably the people I’m closest too at this schoool. So far they don’t do anything bad. Is that wrong of me to say..”they haven’t pissed me off yet”..like I know people aren’t perfect..but hallmates is like normal everyday behavior…a reoccurring theme not a one time mistake or something. But even them I don’t like being around too often. Mainly because sam is embarrassing haha. But idk it’s like a good/bad thing. She keeps the convo going..thalia and i are comfortbale with silence between us..but it’s like same brings us to do things idk..I think our group is actually pretty good now that i think about it :)

SIGH

so I’m lost to be honest. I’ve opened up a whole lot more to people now…i cried in thalias lap while i was cross faded lol..about fucking boys -_- but it was good. IDK i think it was necessary.

Maybe there are more thalias out there and less dorm mates.

I need to make friends lol

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Fri, 05 Apr 2013 01:22:01 -0700

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Fri, 29 Mar 2013 23:33:13 -0700

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Fri, 29 Mar 2013 23:33:00 -0700

http://static.businessinsider.com/image/514cc114ecad047d2b00000f-915/oreo-cheil-worldwide-in-korea-posted-this-milks-favorite-cookie-poster-in-2012-on-ads-of-the-world-it-incited-positive-and-negative-backlash-kraft-usa-issued-a-statement-that-it-never-ran-and-was-created-by-our-agency-for-a-one-time-use-at-an-advertising-forum.jpg

Thu, 28 Mar 2013 23:00:10 -0700

aseaofquotes: John Corey Whaley, Where Things Come Back

Sun, 24 Mar 2013 01:54:47 -0700

aseaofquotes:

John Corey Whaley, Where Things Come Back

niknak79: Baby going through tunnel

Fri, 22 Mar 2013 23:23:28 -0700

niknak79:

Baby going through tunnel

lolz

Fri, 22 Mar 2013 02:02:30 -0700

The Moon is at home in Cancer, which gives those with this sign a striking depth of feeling and imagination. Those lucky to have them in their lives can enjoy warm affection and a sense of intimacy, whether as a friend or a romantic partner. For them every encounter is meaningful, and it gives weight to all their relationships.

Each life experience is remembered as an emotional impression, and held onto forever. Their powerful memories can be woven into story, music and art in a way that pulls at the heartstrings of their audiences or loved ones. The dark side is that they’ll nurture a wound for a long time, sometimes keeping one foot firmly rooted in the past.

The Cancer Moon has a delicate sensitivity that may be kept well hidden out of protection. But they demand a lot from those they love, and might test others loyalty without revealing their own feelings. This behavior comes from a fear of being rejected or left alone that has its roots deep in the psyche.

Those with the Moon in Cancer refill the well at home, and need a solid base of unflagging support. They also need lots of solitude to calm those turbulent emotional moods they experience, as well as what they pick up like a psychic sponge from others. When all this is in place, they’ll be emboldened to show their true strength.

Life with such a complex soul as the Cancer Moon is bound to be both challenging and exquisitely rewarding. The ideal mate understands that they’re both strong and sensitive, with wild fluctuations between the two extremes. You’ll win their trust if you provide shelter when they’re vulnerable and encouragement when they’re ready to take on the world.

averymiacrissmas: this might not be the same for you as it is for me but repeat after me: YOUR...

Sun, 17 Mar 2013 00:16:01 -0700

averymiacrissmas:

this might not be the same for you as it is for me but

repeat after me:

YOUR MENTAL HEALTH IS MORE IMPORTANT THAN YOUR GPA

YOUR MENTAL HEALTH IS MORE IMPORTANT THAN YOUR GPA

YOUR MENTAL HEALTH IS MORE IMPORTANT THAN YOUR GPA

YOUR MENTAL HEALTH IS MORE IMPORTANT THAN YOUR GPA

YOUR MENTAL HEALTH IS MORE IMPORTANT THAN YOUR GPA

YOUR MENTAL HEALTH IS MORE IMPORTANT THAN YOUR GPA

YOUR MENTAL HEALTH IS MORE IMPORTANT THAN YOUR GPA

YOUR MENTAL HEALTH IS MORE IMPORTANT THAN YOUR GPA

greentext medic: feeling weird

Sat, 16 Mar 2013 01:43:07 -0700

greentext medic: feeling weird:

greentextmedic:

>treating a man with symptomatic SVTs on the cardiac monitor
>vagal maneuvers fail to bring the rate down
>next intervention in protocol is chemical cardioversion
>6mg of adenosine chemically stops the heart from beating for a couple of seconds, giving the heart a chance to reset its rhythm
>TL;DR essentially you fucking kill him for five seconds
>tell the patient, “This is going to feel a little weird…”
>MFW pushing the drug and waiting for his heart to quit

>OKAY HE CAME BACK WE’RE COOL

[x]

brittneeeyy: Just breath, just breath, breath…..

Sat, 16 Mar 2013 00:40:32 -0700

brittneeeyy:

Just breath, just breath, breath…..

Dear Tumblr...

Wed, 13 Mar 2013 22:40:54 -0700

pineapple-ninja:

I need guy help :(

I like how people liked this..yet 1 actual response lol

In illo tempo...

Photo

But you hate me :( and I hate you Wed, 08 May 2013 12:20:53 -0700 But you hate me :( and I hate you

To the EMT/EMS/Pre-Medicine community.

you cant just do this to my heart you dick hole -__— lol

All is not well

pineapple-ninja: You fit me better than my favorite sweater...

Photo

Boyfriend

I was meant to be alone.

Photo

Photo

Photo

aseaofquotes: John Corey Whaley, Where Things Come Back

niknak79: Baby going through tunnel

lolz

averymiacrissmas: this might not be the same for you as it is for me but repeat after me: YOUR...

greentext medic: feeling weird

brittneeeyy: Just breath, just breath, breath…..

Dear Tumblr...

But you hate me :( and I hate you
Wed, 08 May 2013 12:20:53 -0700

But you hate me :( and I hate you